And I love him more than anything. He gives me reason to wake up in the morning.

I’m just lonely. I’ve been lonely for so long and now I have someone and I just want to be with him as much as possible. I go to bed every nite alone and wake up alone knowing that he will be home, but still alone. I go to work everyday and barely speak to anyone. I rarely speak to my friends. (Which I realize is my fault.  My social anxiety keeps me from making friends, my lack of time and desire to be a good housewife and need for sleep keep me from doing things with my few friends.) I go home and do my domestic stuff and go to bed and repeat. Its a little…troubling? I wouldn’t say I was bitter, I love what I do, I love taking care of Shawn, but if I were not as patient and…in love as I am I would be in a much more terrible way. And from the outside I’m sure it looks like I am in a terrible way, but this is merely a blip in my constant depression. The fact that I am typing this now has already started to ease my anxiety and tears.

I wish that I could talk to Shawn more. I just feel so fucking pety and selfish. I don’t want him to dedicate his every second to me, but its just the little things. And maybe I am a little bitter because I don’t have anything else and I do dedicate myself to him…although it seems like its more jealousy than bitterness. He’s able to do things with friends and NOT worry about not doing enough around the house and not worry about missing the little bit of time that I have with him. I’m pathetic.

I tried to call Shawn but he didn’t answer. I just really need to talk to him.

I’ll dose again and try to stay positive.

Self awareness is so important and so damning at the same time. I can’t fix me. I’d have a better chance repairing someone’s broken, gangrened leg and them not losing it then I have at making my mind chemically sound. In my quest to self discovery, I thought that realizing this was a step forward, which I guess it is, but its like a step from a doorway onto an old rotted porch that my ass is going to have to struggle to not fall through.

None of this ever mattered, or atleast mattered enough, until my mind started to affect someone else, Shawn.  I’ve finally met someone who cares enough and is so attuned (almost creepily so) to me and my mind and my moods. He’s just as aware as I am when my mood changes. And he gets so frustrated with me because I have such a hard time explaining to him why. We’ve spoke about it and we are both working on it. Its a really difficult thing and I am truly lucky that he loves me and wants to know everything about me.

But then there are days like yesterday. Shit happens, but we triumph over it and realize that regardless of whats happening around us, we are positively fantastic together. Its not even anything that I can point out in specifics. I have to remind myself that our relationship is still quite new and we might have rushed in to it, but I can’t see us being together and not in the form we are right now.

I love him. So much more than I ever thought possible.

How dare these people try to hold the airline responsible for the 9/11 terrorists attacks that killed their family members. It’s ridiculous and sick and taking away the whole point of that tragedy. WE WERE ATTACKED BY TERRORISTS. You can point your fucking fingers at the airlines,at the president, at whoever, but it does not change the fact that these people infiltrated our country and slaughtered our people.

And do we seriously think we could have stopped this? These terrorists are not human in the way that we are human. They have NOTHING but their religion and their hatred of us. Why, as Americans, are we so afraid to point the finger at them but we can so easily turn it towards our government or our neighbors?

The article that spawned my rage…

Woods Set To Testify At 9/11 Trial 29 July 2009 5:11 AM, PDT

Actor James Woods could take to the stand in the first wrongful-death case stemming from the 9/11 terrorist attacks when it hits court in April, according to a new report. The Oscar-winner allegedly testified at a deposition earlier this year over his claims he saw several of the 19 Al Qaeda hijackers on his American Airlines flight from Boston, Massachusetts to Los Angeles a month before the 2001 attacks.

According to the New York Post, Woods grew suspicious of the Middle Eastern men onboard after noticing they didn’t order drinks or speak to attendants but seemed to be carefully monitoring the crew. He reportedly told a staff member, “I think this plane is going to be hijacked. I know how serious it is to say this.”

Now Woods could once again be called to testify at a hearing into the deaths of flight attendant Sara Low and passenger Barbara Keating, who were killed when American Airlines Flight 11 flew into the World Trade Center’s North Tower in New York. A Manhattan federal judge has set 12 April 2010 as the start date for the case brought by the families of three victims, who are taking legal action against the airline and airport security.

A third lawsuit has been filed by the relatives of hockey scout Mark Bavis, 31, who was on United Airlines Flight 175 when it hit the South Tower. Another 97 families refused to pursue legal action and instead accepted settlements from the September 11 Victim Compensation Fund, which divided up $500 million (£334 million) between the families.

“Half-baked on whale tranquilizers.”

“and James Cameron still made movies instead of sailing around the world in a giant yacht made entirely out of thousand dollar bills while wearing a diamond tuxedo.”

Our discussion last nite frightened, intrigued, and saddened me. I don’t want to fret about it because its nothing set in stone…but it’s on my mind.

I have nothing of importance to say, I just wanted to set this thing up.